The rule – I don’t want dirty dishes in the sink in the morning. I don’t like finding dirty dishes since I can’t fill my kettle with water without moving them.

My request – My housemate will do her dishes before she goes to bed.

Housemate’s position – She comes home late and tired from work. Some nights she barely feels up to making food and eating. She doesn’t want to feel required to do her dishes.

Deliberation – I understand her position. We explore options together. We decide I will buy a small plastic tub to put on the shelves at the end of the kitchen for her dirty dishes when she feels too tired to do them. She likes the idea of putting dirty dishes in the tub.

Agreement – She agrees to put any dirty dishes in the tub before she goes to bed.

I appreciate not finding dirty dishes in the sink in the morning.

Short outline of creating an agreement with self or another

• What need/request do I want honored?
• Take time to make this into a clear request. (no should, have to or punishment for not doing.)
• What need does the other person, or another side of myself, seek to meet at this time?
• We get creative and explore different ways my request and the request of the other can both get satisfied. We discuss possible options.
• We create an agreement and notice how it meets both our needs or not.
• If not, we try out different ways to address the situation until we find something we both like.

See also:

Making an agreement with son and reframing to facilitate support.

Making a Complicated agreement and an Example of Making an Agreement instead of a Rule.