My lack of self-worth tends to leave me fearing that I’m bad. I notice all

the little things I think I did wrong. I brood over them. I go over and over them in my head.

I make excuses in my head for my behavior or blame others. 

Often as I fall asleep or first thing in the morning, they come visiting again. I fluctuate between

feelings of shame or guilt, and sometimes anger at others for “causing these feelings”. 

I desire to form a better opinion of myself, and yet my focus on what I feel I did wrong

keeps me anxious and fearful that I’m bad.

Then, the side that knows “I’m not a bad person” surfaces.

I hold tight to the idea of myself as a good person. I focus on blaming others

for any bad feelings that surface. I get defensive and insist I didn’t do anything wrong.

I challenge or disregard the opinions or needs of others. 

Yet, this defensive stance distances me from my own emotional reality in an attempt

to hide my fear, anxiety, and lack of self-worth.

This defensive stance often leaves me feeling alone and isolated. 

Since I can’t decide, I look outside myself for confirmation that I’m good.

I seek acknowledgement of my goodness by joining a group of people

with similar values who validate my position. I accept other people’s opinion of me

as truth and fear they might call me bad if I don’t follow their rules. 

I go back and forth between these states and cannot determine myself as good or bad.

Realistically, neither characterization holds the full truth of reality.

Realistically, though, they can no more make this static ongoing judgment of me

as good or bad than I can of myself.